I Sit Here

Staring at my bookshelves, wondering about the immutability of the words and the lives written on the pages. What will happen when there are pages no more? I do wonder about that. The smell of a good book transports me to places beyond the reaches of my conscious imagination. On my bookshelves I have pictures perched of people who have enriched my life, people who have transcended to another realm. A picture of my father standing in front of the house where I spent the first ten years of my life. He wears a white shirt and a light blue slacks. And his ever ubiquitous grin. I get my smile from him. 

Three shelves above rests a picture of my great grandmother. She’s wearing a blue shirt-sleeved dress and a strand of pearls, perhaps it’s the same strand I’ve recently inherited. I’d like to think so. 

She lived to be 93. God gave me the chance to know her, to be loved by her in this world. We’d play in her closet, trying on hats and playing dress-up. She used to make her own hats! Imagine that! I so wish I’d known that when she was still alive. Maybe she could have taught me the fine art of hat making. 

I’m sitting here in the midst of a modern day dilemma. The paradox of self-care. It feels better to care for others, yet when I care for myself first it becomes easier to care for others. I have more to give others. Yet, sometimes it feels like a chore to wash up all the plates after dinner. Sometimes I wait a day to unload the dishwasher. Activities that take mere minutes. 

Self-care is doing those things, and it’s also being okay with not doing those things, as long as not doing them doesn’t become a habit. 

Self-care is not being so obsessive about things. I’ve been through a massive decluttering stage, but I still have stuff! So, for me, the key is to work on one area at a time. 

And that area for now is to finish this entry and call it to be continued, so I can finish a few tasks and head to bed…….

It’s been a long time since I’ve written. Too long. Self-care is making sure it’s not such a long time between conversations with myself and conversations with the universe……