I don’t perceive myself to be attractive. I just don’t. I’m not asking for pity here; nor am I asking for compliments or other adulation. Somewhere along the lines of time I’ve bought into the idea that attractiveness has to do with size, with weight. I’ve bought into the truths magazines portray that body size determines one’s attractiveness, one’s beauty.
Skinny. Thin. That’s the widely accepted sign of attractiveness. I don’t entirely blame myself for my beliefs. I read an article the other day that talked about how the majority of women are plus-size, but if you go into any store then you’ll see that the majority of the space clothes takes up belongs to “normal” size women.
This made me think about the places I like to shop, such as Macy’s and Nordstrom’s. Both stores have small plus-size selections. And, while I do not have a measuring tape, I can tell you it’s less than 25% of the floor space devoted to plus size clothing. Think about that for a moment. “Plus-Size” women make up the majority, yet we are side-lined and usually hidden in a corner, far from public view.
It makes me wonder if people really see fat women, plus-size women. Does anyone really see? Do we see ourselves?
I am tried of defining myself by my weight by my size, but I am struggling to find alternate ways to define myself. I don’t want to wake up every day and think oh I have to think about losing weight, or I have to think about anything related to body size. It’s exhausting, but it’s exhausting because I do it to myself. I create this space. And I’m exhausted by it.
I’m exhausted and I’m tired. I am physically tired of judging myself because of my size. I can’t explain it any other way. It’s exhausting being me. It’s exhausting carrying the extra weight, but it’s more exhausting carrying that weight in my mind. Seeing how I view myself and so much more.
Don’t get me wrong. I need to concentrate on my health. I need to put that first. But I also don’t need to make my weight the sole or major focus of my life.
I want to move forward. To go beyond what and where I’ve been living. To see a world that goes beyond the physical world created in my body and mind.
I appreciate my body. I appreciate its ability to move. I feel better when I move it more.
I want to fill the spaces of my life with joy. What if I could live today as if my body didn’t define who and what I am. What if? What if? What if?
Maybe that’s what I need to do more of. What if?
What if? What if I could learn to be just me. And not care if they world saw or didn’t see me. What if?
What would I do? Where would I go? Who would I be? What would I be capable of doing? I’m capable of so much more. That I know.
There’s a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and I need to find it. I know that once I see the gold there, it’ll have way more than I ever imagined. Way more. Way more. Did I mention that?
I’ve settled because of my size, and I’m done with that or working at being done with that. I give too many fucks about the wrong things. Too many.
I need to see my life beyond my weight. I need to go beyond the messages my head hears, the messages society has indoctrinated into my head. That’s the hardest part.
But it’s worth working for. I’m worth working for.
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