Last month I began another turn around the sun. I promised myself that this turn would be different. This turn would be better. I promised myself I’d make fewer mistakes–that I’d work to create more of the life I want and deserve. That I would make life happen instead of waiting for life to happen to me.
I’ve done that too much–wait for life to happen. My emotions have controlled me. Overwhelmed me. Determined my fate. I can remember being a young girl and being conscious of my parents’ monetary struggles. I’m not sure if they talked to me about them or if I just overheard. Either way I had an awareness, and I took it on and worried. They didn’t ask me to. I had an automatic response. It’s as though I was born with it.
Born with worry and with fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of so much. I’m not even sure I can quantify the fear. My mind immediately goes to the worse case scenario. I’ve had a problem with my little toenail, and I decided I had a fungus or something worse, and I’d need to take prescription medicine for six months or something worse. Well I don’t have a fungus. I just have a weak toenail. I hit it against something a couple of months ago and it didn’t grow back as strong. Yet, until I went to the doctor, I assumed the worst.
In some ways I’ve made improvements and the worrying/fear isn’t as intense. Whenever I’d have car problems I’d dread waiting for the phone call. I wouldn’t want to hear how expensive the repairs MIGHT BE. I’d work myself into a tizzy of monumental proportions.
The other day I had to take my car to the mechanic, but this time I didn’t worry. This time I dropped it off, walked a mile and a half to a local coffee shop, waited for a friend to pick me up, and just chilled. I altered my behavior. It made all the difference.
I have a choice. I have a choice each day to observe and to choose my reactions. Some times it takes much more effort than I’d care to ever admit. It’s not easy to choose to remain calm. To work at remaining calm. It’s actually much easier to choose to overreact and then eat over it or become stagnant.
Today, in this moment, I choose calmness. I choose breath. I choose hope. I choose to work at creating my future.