I first thought about this blog over a week ago but it took time to build up the courage to write it. What I see when I look in the mirror may not be what you see, but it’s really not what you see that matters. When I’m deep inside my head I do not see the fat; I do not see the weight. I do not see the apron belly. I see my intelligence. I see all that I’m capable of and know that I’m capable of so much more.
When I look in the mirror I see an alternate reality. I see the fat, I see the rolls. I see it all. And it’s not me. It’s not what’s in my head. I am not that fat, until I see the fat. Then that’s all I see, and it takes away so much.
I’ve heard all the modern day “pyscho babble” that clearly states if I change my thoughts I will change my life, and I do believe that but I have a hard time changing my thoughts. There’s a whole psychology to the process of changing thoughts that I haven’t quite figured it out yet.
I’m conditioned to see myself as something other than pretty because of the images of thin and gorgeous people presented in the media. Images that, btw, have no basis in reality. Let’s face it, if there was a size extra extra small that person would be dead.
But I don’t mean for this blog piece to be about the media. This is about my relationship with myself, and what happens when I look in the mirror. I wear colorful clothes. I always have. I’ve never hidden in that sense, but I’ve also never let the world see my inside thoughts or when I have people have shrunk away because it makes them feel uncomfortable. They’ll say “you’re beautiful.” A nice affirmation, but I have to change the tenor of my inner thoughts, and that has to come from me.
I’m sharing this now because I know I’m not alone in these types of thoughts and I want people to know they are not alone too. I hate being fat. It’s not fun. Not fun at all. I also don’t want my whole life to be about losing weight and waiting until I’m thin to live.
In my head I do not feel the weight of my stomach on my thighs, but when I sit I feel it. The other day when I was doing a floor pose in yoga I looked in the mirror and saw it. I saw the fat. I saw the balls of fat that hanging from my abdomen. I saw that, and I saw me but that’s not the me that lives in my head.
When I see my fat, I don’t see ugly but I don’t like what I see. I see myself in the mirror and I think that’s not me, but it is me. It’s the me that sometimes people look at and judge. It’s the me that judges my self. I don’t know how else to explain it, but I wish that part of me would just shut up.
Getting that voice to go away means I really have to face my demons. I really have to sit with just what is. To really sit with myself. My fat protects me from the world. I eat to keep the world at bay. I don’t know how else to explain it. I also eat to keep myself at bay. (Minor editorial comment: I’ve come a long way these past few years in how I interact with food, but still have a ways to go.)
Sitting here I can feel my stomach resting on my thighs. That feeling just reminds me I’m fat. It reminds me of what I see when I look in the mirror. It reminds me of just how much work I NEED to do on myself. It reminds me of just how much internal work I need to do, I have to do.
While it might seem that way, the work I need to do isn’t about losing weight. If I was the perfect weight today I’d still have the negative self-talk, and eliminating that is the real work that I need to do.
Healing is from the inside out, and it’s my responsibility. It’s my responsibility to lift the myself out of the darkness and into the light.
So the question then remains how. How do I do this? How do I create the light that I know is within me right now?
How do I create a life where I don’t shy away from what I see in the mirror? How do I make these things happen? In the here and now. In THIS moment.
I actually have the answer. It’s simple really. DO ONE thing each day that makes me happy to feel alive. In this moment I’m sitting in a coffee shop writing this blog. THAT makes me happy. The other day I went to a HOT PILATES class. THAT made me happy. Wednesday, I’m got my hair done. That’s how to do it. Day by day. That’s also what I need to keep doing. That’s how I will make this life about living. That’s how I make peace with my relationship with food, with my body, with my inner voice.
That’s how I will make peace with that woman in the mirror—who is and who is not me.
Follow me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ConfessionsofaYogaPrincess/
#selflove #positivetalk #bodyimage