I woke up this Sunday morning with a resolve to change my routine. For too many years, for too much time I’ve done the same thing. Lived in the same town. Sometimes I fear varying my routine because of FOMO. I have a serious case of FOMO. If I learned to water the grass on my side my case of FOMO wouldn’t be so bad.
Someone said to me this morning that the only time to express thoughts about others’ behavior is when our behavior is perfect. And I know my behavior, may life, is far from those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. is so far from that.
I’m trying to train myself to look in the mirror every time I’m tempted to criticize another. Or judge another. When I catch myself thinking “why does this person do that?” Or “That’s stupid” Or anything like that. I’m trying to look at ME with honesty and not with criticism.
My car is dirty. So if I have the urge to say anything about anyone maybe I need to clean my car first or take it to the car wash. A small example for sure but an example still.
I cleaned my car out awhile ago but I let stuff pile up again. Not like before but it’s still piled up with a file folder here, an empty cup there. Actually it’s more dirty than anything and I decided one day to take it to the drive-thru car wash but the day after I did that the complex I live in decided to start trimming trees so my car is no longer so clean. But it’s still cleaner than it was.
I need desk space but I don’t really want more furniture in my house, so I decided to make half my dining table a desk, but I still have a tendency to put stuff down on the table and that’s something I need to stop. A place for everything and everything in its place. I’m happier when I can see and eat at a clean table.
If I haven’t used an item or worn a piece of clothing or jewelry in a certain amount of time for so long then I need to let it go or find it a place. Not just put it on a table. I deserve better than that.
I deserve to care enough about me to look at my space and not be so concerned about the spaces of others. What’s in my space? I have to let go of what is in the space of others.
In yoga there’s the concept of having a mantra. My mantra is show me what’s mine. But I forget that a lot. I feel like I need to be doing something or be involved in something to matter. What does this have to do with FOMO. EVERYTHING. I feel like I have to have my hand in every pie to have value. I need to focus more on the tasks at hand.
So if have something to say about something else it somehow means I matter or it means I’m smart or I have knowledge or I have value.
See the key here is to learn to have enough value in myself to do things that are important to me. Things that show I value my life. So maybe I do my own laundry, literally and figuratively before I do someone else’s. Maybe my plate needs cleaning before I say anything about anyone else. Maybe I just need to keep my eyes on my space.
I need to vacuum. I need to dust. I need to pay attention to my life before I pay attention to yours. But somehow it never feels as good to pay attention to mine. I’d rather fix yours.
I’m guessing the key is to find a way to make my life so appealing that I have no desire to look at yours. To look at anyone else’s. Part of the problem with me is that I judge my own life. I’ve never moved much. Four times in my life. Maybe five. I judge myself for that. More than anything I judge myself for that.
I admire the globetrotters. The movers and shakers. The crazy makers.
I don’t admire myself.
And so much of that has to do with my size. I base so much of my life and my judgment about myself based on my size. That’s just not going to help me.
I don’t judge you because of your size. I judge myself because of mine. MINE.
That’s a hard habit to break. The world doesn’t help because they judge me because of my size too. Not everyone, of course but plenty do. But it doesn’t really matter what others think. That has to be my new mentality. On some levels I know that. But it can be hard to get past because so many people have opinions about it. And I use their judgments to limit myself
I don’t want to have an opinion about it anymore. Not anymore. I continue to tire of the judgment.
Writing helps me with that. It helps me to realize how tiring it is to judge myself. I can actually feel the lightness come as the thoughts leave me.
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