I find myself spending too much time on the internet surfing for something outside myself. Approval. Love. The list goes on. I’ve spent far too much of my life looking for approval outside of myself. I still do. I fear the disapproval of others. I’m working on living for my own approval.
Last week I found myself upset with someone I have a great deal of respect for. I could describe the circumstance, but they really don’t matter. The feelings do. When I first realized I felt angry, disrespected I questioned myself, questioned my feelings, but I had the foresight to know I needed to wait 24 hours to respond.
My weight is a symptom of being a people pleaser. I need to know the people in my life love me or are happy with me and if they aren’t I do not function well. I know this about myself.
But over the years I’ve grown stronger, much stronger, so this time I knew I’d have to say something. I had to speak my peace. I had to allow myself to be human. I do not often do that. I hold myself to a higher standard, an impossible standard.
I felt disrespected. I felt demeaned. Expressing those words in a non-combatitive way would take a miracle, but I felt determined. I also felt fear. FEAR. FEAR. How would this person respond? What would they think of me? How would I handle it if I disappointed them? SO many unknowns. So many variables.
I also didn’t want to do this by email. I needed to say it in person. As the time approached I felt a certain calm. I spoke my peace. Right or wrong. I said how I felt. Disrespected. Demeaned. Powerful words. Difficult words spoken to someone I have the greatest respect and love for.
But speak them I did. An apology I received.
The aftermath? I don’t really know. It’s an unusual feeling for me. I want to know more than everything that things are okay. Okay for me. Okay for the other. But I don’t get to know that. To speak my truth I had to let go of how the other person would react.
I’ve questioned myself a bit: Was I over-reacting? Were my feelings legit? I NEED to know that everything is okay, but I do not get to know that. I’m not meant to know that. I need to be the best I can be. The best human I can be. Flawed. Full of love.
I also need to spend more time away from social media, so that I can become even more comfortable with myself. More comfortable with my own sense of humanity.
There’s more to these ramblings, but I’ll save them for another time. For now, I leave you with a picture of this adorable Starbucks ornament. I bought it for myself because no matter what I DID NOT OVEREAT or binge over this situation. That’s a victory I’ll take.
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