Someone to Save Me
I went to yoga Saturday and I went to yoga this morning looking for someone to save me. Searching for the one who could give me everything I ever needed. And I knew I’d find that person there.
I’d like to tell you it really stinks to have an eating disorder. The world “sees” my issues or they think they do, but that’s the least of what bothers me. I have a hole inside my heart, a hole that’s been there for as long as I can remember. I’m not sure I ever remember it not being there actually. It’s a piece of me.
I KNOW how to eat healthy. I’ve done it. And when I do it I feel better, but I also feel a sense of loss. Unhealthy foods have quite a pull. Sure it can be the type of additives they use or the insanely addictive nature of sugar, but it’s also emotional. And that’s true for most people with eating disorders. If they tell you otherwise, then they are in denial.
I’m looking for love–and not the type you find at match.com. And not the type you find from another person. Because that love is conditional and comes with expectations, which almost never turn out well. NEVER.
It’s the type of love that shines from within. That allows me to spend time alone and be okay with that. I’m not always okay with that now as evidenced by the amount of time I spend on social media. But I’m working on that. It’s they type of love that allows me to settle in on my couch for an afternoon and read a book undisturbed. It’s the type of love that allows for me to be enough just the way I am.
I have wonderful friends. Sweet kind and supportive friends. People who listen to me. Reading this now–YOU ARE LISTENING TO ME.
I’ve also been involved in co-dependent friendships, which are unhealthy for all involved. And NOT FUN!!
So I went to yoga looking for that someone to save me, knowing I’d find her. And find her I did–staring right back at me in the mirror, right there all along.
Now the work is to keep believing and to keep picking away at the dirt so the diamond within shines even brighter every step of the way.