The other morning I went to answer an email from a friend who asked how I felt that day, and I started to type “I feel tired”, but my fingers never hit the keyboard, for I realized in that moment I didn’t feel tired. I’d been typing “I feel tired” for I don’t know how long, but, really, tired had nothing to do with how I felt.
How did I feel? I didn’t feel happy. Wow! Talk about a light bulb moment. Not being happy. That realization hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. I didn’t know how I came to that state of “not happiness”. Unhappy didn’t cut it. Not happy seems more accurate.
But why? Why did I not feel happy? I didn’t really know and didn’t really want to think about it. Over analysis and Over thinking—I do too much of both.
Instead I decided I’d do things that make me happy. I’d go get a manicure, read a book (I’m lucky my job involves reading!), just breathe. I need to do more of what makes me happy. I’m the only person responsible for making me happy, so I’d better go do something about that.
I’m not sure if this realization comes from decluttering or meditation or that really great yoga class I went to Wednesday night, but I do know I’m grateful for it. Grateful for so much. I started off the year making a joy jar and writing down one thing each day that made me feel grateful. Or a moment that made me smile. I haven’t been filling out the little slips of paper lately in spite of the very cool things have occurred.
I’m putting a slip of paper in the jar tonight.
As I sit her looking around my sitting meditation room I see pictures, some of the past. I’m not sure I want those pictures there anymore. It’s not that they don’t remind me of happy times, but, for now, I want more of a blank slate. New memories. New happiness. It’s not about obliterating those moments. I’ll always hold them in my heart.
But, for now, seeing life as a “tablas rasa” makes me smile, makes me look forward to the magic. I want that. I want more magic. I want more miracles. And I will work for all of it.
And BTW, once I had my realization I no longer felt tired…..
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