I sat down tonight intending to write a blog on the benefits of keeping one’s eyes open during yoga—I tend to close mine. I also thought about making a video on how people who can’t do traditional sit-ups (ME!!!) can work toward doing sit-ups. However, I also decided to go through my journals (remember, I’m decluttering?) and I decided I’d let go of the past by throwing away journals or removing pages that didn’t bring me joy.
As I started going through journals, I came across page after page after page after page where I wrote long dialogues about being afraid of not meeting others’ expectations. I would spend pages writing notes that described how I knew that certain changes were right and necessary for my health and well-being but I felt too afraid to make them because I didn’t know how I’d take it if people didn’t love me anymore.
I’m not joking here. I didn’t want to disappoint people. I put my perceptions of their needs ahead of my own well-being.
There are ways growth in individuals is evident and obvious, and there are other ways that can’t be seen. This can’t be seen, not really. I wasted so much time in my life thinking about others’ reactions. Why? Did I not value myself? Did I not love myself?
I could ponder these mysteries forever, but I don’t want to. I do, however, want to appreciate the changes within me. When I rip up and dispose of those journal pages tonight, I’m leaving behind more pieces of behaviors that will no longer be a part of my life.
I write this with a profound gratitude for where I am at now, for the ability to make choices that bring me joy. The more joy I experience, the more I’ll be able to radiate that to others.
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