As I sit here on my red couch I look over at the empty box of debrox on the floor and wonder why I haven’t picked it up. I bought it last week when my right ear felt a bit clogged. It turns out that I have allergies, probably for the first time in my life. I’ve always been a bit persnickety about my ears, for years ago I had a serious ear infection that took months to clear up. All summer to be exact—that meant no swimming!
One of my friends shared a blog this morning (https://cannebodyhearme.wordpress.com/2015/04/13/the-after-myth/) and it made me stop and think about the now, about my now. At my heaviest, people would tell me “you have such a pretty face” with the implication being that something was wrong with the rest of me. Nowadays people will tell me “you’ve come so far” in reference to my body.
I don’t know how to say this, how to say any of it. I find it profoundly difficult to live a struggle everyone can see. Even if I didn’t share it here, people would still see it. And feel free to judge it. Pretty face before. Prettier face now. To be clear I share my story, I share my journey because I want everyone to know that healing from the inside out is possible. Not easy, but possible.
Yes, I’ve come a long way. Yes, I have a long way to go, but I’m not sure of the truth of either of these statements. All I have is the now. In this now, I wish I had the classic beauty of air-brushed models. I used to not like aspects of my hair, but I have a lot of hair, and I appreciate that.
I’m not sure entirely what I set out to express this morning, but learning to love one’s self in the NOW feels so difficult sometimes. I used to spend time going through the trash of the past, but do you want to know a secret? That doesn’t really help me—it just creates more trash.
In this now, I wish I wasn’t fat, but I am. I’m grateful I have the ability to move. I wish I was a size 12, but I’m not, not right now. I wish I wish I wish, so many externals weren’t so frustrating.
I’m grateful there weren’t any offensive fat jokes in Paul Blart 2. I appreciated that.
I’d be much better off if my head would stop spinning, but I’m working on that. I’m working on self-love too. Self-love in the now. That’s what I need to work on. I don’t need to think about tomorrow or yesterday. I don’t need to think how things would be different if I had more external validation. I’ve spent time seeking external validation from people who weren’t capable of providing it to me. That’s like trying to get blood from the proverbial rock.
For today, for this moment, I can berate my body for being what it is, my body for moving how it moves—that’s easy enough. I’ve done it for the longest time. Or, as soon as I finish this blog, I can remove myself from the couch and take long shower (shhhhh, I know we are having a drought, but I’m a vegetarian, so I’m saving water by not eating meat) and shave (because I’m a girl and sometimes shaving feels better) and then start grading some essays because that’s my job and I’m lucky to be able to do that from home.
I have a portion of my website, dedicated to life at any size, because no matter what you might as well life in the now because life is short enough as it is, so you might as well live it!
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