Not too long ago I wrote a blog entry detailing how I embrace change. Well, that’s quite simply not true. Change terrifies me. Sends my mind, my heart, my spirit reeling. I can’t explain it, but change of any sort, even positive changes have a fearful effect on my heart.
Yet, I seek change. I ascribe to the ideal of “being attached to nothing, but open to everything and anything.” I recognize the unhealthy nature of my resistance to change, so I’ve taken lately to deliberately creating change, to making new grooves in my brain.
I’m not quite sure how to explain any or all of this. My whole journey involves change, an internal change. I used to worry so much. Worry about what others think. Worry about what will happen. Worry. Worry. Worry. Did worrying change anything? No. Except my peace of mind. Can’t have peace of mind when worry is at the forefront.
I really do want change. I really do want to embrace change. I really do want to stop worrying. This takes work on so many levels. One of them involves creating those new grooves. Getting my heart, my mind, my spirit adapted to the spirit of change. So I work at deliberately creating small changes. Taking a different road to work. Going to a different store. Altering my morning routine. I hired a cleaning person to clean my apartment once a month. She’s only come once so far, but already I feel so much space to just be.
I’ve taken to checking out Groupon deals. Just as a way to try new things. To experiment. It’s not that I live an unadventurous life. I don’t. But change scares me. Yet I have to change to achieve the life I want and deserve. I want more. More experiences. More meditation. More joy. More happiness. I want more life. That won’t happen if I don’t let go and fling myself into the wild unknown and embrace the magnificence that awaits me if I just choose to believe and I do choose to believe.