Ramblings on Self-Love and Apple Cider Vinegar Tea
I’ve thought about writing this post for a week now, but somehow every time I sit down to write it, the words never come out. I’ve come to realize I spend a lot of time looking to others for approval. It’s as though I need someone else to love me before I can love myself, but that’s not the way it’s supposed to work. I’m supposed to learn to love myself so that others can love me.
But somehow, somewhere along the line I’ve gotten into this trap. This pattern of behavior where I’m not okay unless I’m loved and/or approved of by others. Circumstances as of late have given me a real window into my—how do I say this—into my obsessive need to be found worthy by people and things outside myself.
I’m not sure I’m explaining myself well here, but what I really seek to do is get at the heart of my addiction. It’s not just food I’m addicted to. I’m addicted to the feeling of feeling less than, of feeling like a victim, but I’m not really comfortable feeling that way now.
That’ s the gift of this moment. I recognize that I’m placing too much value outside myself. Actually it’s too much value and focus on the wrong things. And when I place that value where it doesn’t belong I give myself an excuse to overeat or eat unhealthy foods. Then I get caught in a vicious cycle.
I’m beginning to think this emotional cycle is why most people have a difficult time recovering from an eating disorder. It’s so much easier to find companionship in food, but that doesn’t bring me joy. Not like it used to.
I find joy in yoga. I love that hot room like no other. I just do. That brings me joy. The kind of joy that comes from within. It’s not always perfect. Sometimes it helps me see parts of myself that I seek to improve. Parts of myself that I want to shed. I’m not referring to weight here. I seek to shed that part of me that needs someone else to love me before I can love myself.
That’s my job now. Loving myself. It’s not easy. But I’m doing it. I’m sitting here writing this drinking some hot apple cider tea. I made it with a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar, a splash of Vietnamese cinnamon, and two tiny scoops of stevia. That’s self-love. That’s taking care of myself. I’ve had two cups now. Maybe I’ll have a third. Why? Because it’s a healthier choice. And on a day where I felt so tempted to go to the grocery store and buy something I shouldn’t, this is a victory of self-love, of self-acceptance, of self-approval from within!
This life is about taking chances and finding happiness where it can be found, and I know I’ll find more of that happiness when I start by nurturing health of this soul!