June 14th, 2013 I took a chance. I took a risk. I did something different. I did something for me, on a whim. Somehow or other I decided it would be fun to take two Bikram Yoga classes back-to-back. I’m not really sure how this idea popped into my head, but it did. Also, I’m always one to beat to my own drum. To take chances. And this was a chance I wanted to take.
At the time I had no idea where it would lead, but I’ve never been happier that I made that choice. That day started a trend for me, one that makes me happier than I’ve ever been. At the end of the double that day—it was a Wednesday—I remember feeling exhilarated, high, happy, free—I can’t begin to adequately describe how intensely and profoundly that day, that choice changed the course of my yoga practice, of my life.
I’m in this life, in the battle to find my true source of happiness that comes from within. I want to release this weight, the emotional binds that cause me to seek fulfillment from unhealthy foods. To do that I have to go beyond any diet, any food plan. I have to find the source of my pain that falsely convinces me that salvation comes from potato chips or French fries or buttercream frosting—you get the point.
I want to face my self, my soul. I don’t want to look to others, to blame others. I want to see me. My mind races so much of the time, is so filled with this and that and the other. I look to others for approval, for love, for a sense that I’m okay, but I don’t want to do that anymore. Getting to that point doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time.
When I’m in that hot room, I find peace. It’s not easy. It’s not always even fun. Sometimes I see my demons too. That day, just over a year ago, when I first took two classes, I discovered that three hours of deep sweat brought me/brings me a peace so delicious I can’t wait to taste it. If I’m having a bad day, an emotional day, sometimes it takes that first 90 minutes to remove the junk from my head so I can find some peace in the next 90 minutes.
I’m also learning so much about my body. How much strength I have. How much my arms are developing tone and definition. I’m seeing just how beautiful I look in poses. I’m learning just how much focus I do have. I’m learning to see just how much light is within me.
Then there’s the people. I love practicing with everyone I meet. Even the ones who annoy me (and there are a few of those) teach me something about myself. I’m learning that I don’t have to react to someone else’s mood. That’s THEIR mood, not mine.
I do doubles three times a week on average. That’s what I’ve done for the greater part of a year. That’s right folks. Most Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I do doubles. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. I do a 5:30 and 7:30 on Mondays and Fridays and a 4:30 and 6:30p.m. on Wednesdays. Most of the classes I’ve taken have been with Loren, but if you’ve been following my blog you know that.
Maybe I’ll do doubles for years. Maybe I won’t. I don’t know where the winds of change will take me. I do know that doing doubles has seen me through some significant life changes: the death of my father, changes in friendships, changes in my relationship with myself. By the end of the three hours, I look at myself in the mirror and I like what I see. I judge myself less. I enjoy the feeling of exhaustion. My crazy monkey mind finds some hard-won peace and the list goes on……. People have told me I’m crazy for doing doubles all the time, but it doesn’t matter what they think. It only matters that it works for me and that it makes me happy. It’s helping find the freedom to be me. And that’s priceless………
With Loren who makes me laugh while sweating my ar*e off…….
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