I sit here, in my red recliner, looking out at the early morning sky, sipping on a bottle of nutrient enhanced Activate water that I found on clearance at Sprouts. I like browsing their “buy me before I die” shelf—I find the most interesting treasures there.
As I contemplate, Judy Collins’ serenades me with “Amazing Grace” via my iphone. Listening to her sing “once I was lost now I’m found” I can’t hep but feel the peace in those words, yet also a sadness.
I’ve written before about my trials and tribulations as a “people-pleaser”. The journey out of that mode of behavior has its perils and its pain. The other day I had this thought: the need I experienced in the past for others to approve of me actually had to do with a false sense of ego-validation. Needing/desiring/wanting others, wanting everyone to like me, not being able to function without them liking me reflected on the ego’s desire to withhold me from my greater purpose, from finding my joy. Continuously being caught up in others’ expectations of how my life, my decisions, my choices ought to be, should be, need to be constructed meant that I could never be engaged in my own authenticity.
Yesterday, as this revelation rolled around my soul, I arrived at another truth: every time I see or want to see others as being in the wrong it’s also about the ego’s need for validation, the need as it were to see myself as better than, as more right than another.
The aforementioned truths keep me from working on my self. Wanting others to like me, finding fault with the behaviors of others: that keeps me from working on my self, from becoming the healthiest I can be.
As someone with a food issue, I seek to find ways to fill myself up that have nothing to do with food. Sometimes that’s what I want—just to feel full. But not with false or temporary substances (food) or emotions. Finding and discovering that which will give me that feeling, requires substantial self-reflection and introspection.
What you think of me really is none of my business. What I think of you is none of my business and none of yours. Sometimes I think what I think of myself really is none of my business too. The common core here is the word “think”. I have to find a way out of my head, out of my body and into my soul.
I suppose I’m arriving there or working toward arriving there. Every time I make a healthier choice I’m moving in the right direction. My choices with food and emotional behaviors are far from perfect. Sometimes when I’m really quiet and listen to the emptiness I can hear my heart’s desire for fulfillment, but I’m not quite sure yet how to get there or what that looks like.
But I also think I’m not meant to know. I’m meant to learn to live in the moment, live in the now and not try to figure every second out. Live in the mystery, live in the now. Sounds so peaceful to me.
Someone asked me yesterday about my plans for the summer. I plan on living in the mystery. I plan on working more with cleaner eating so I can discover the deeper reaches of my heart and maybe just maybe find a way to fill it from the inside.